Sex Without Love and Love Without Sex from sinharuchita's blog

Wendy began counseling me due to the fact that Terence the husband she had for 14 years had just told Wendy that he would like the end of their marriage. Wendy who was terrified of being on her own she was frightened. After a couple of minutes of speaking to her over the phone I knew the root cause of their problems with their relationship.

Wendy was born into a family with many neglect, was plagued by an intense fear of abandonment. Within their family Wendy was taught to be a caregiver by giving up her own needs and taking care of others' desires and feelings. Wendy had learned to store her own emotions in an area of her closet, hoping that when she was taking responsibility for everyone else and took care of herself, someone else would take care of her. When she grew older, she continued this same way, caring for her family and husband, but completely ignoring taking proper care of herself. In the end, she often became extremely angry with Terence and her kids for not listening to her or agree with her.

The way we treat others is often to treat us in the same way as you treat yourself. Because Wendy was acting as if she were not important, Terence and her children also treated her like she wasn't important. Because Wendy didn't pay attention to herself, Terence and her children did not listen to her. Wendy's anger toward Terence along with her child for not understanding her or listening to her removed her from Wendy. Terence was at the level that he wasn't wanting to be on the other side of Wendy's fury.

Instead of taking on the emotional responsibility for her own health, Wendy was making Terence and her children emotionally accountable for her. She was leaving herself behind like her parents left her and waiting for Terence to provide her with what she did not receive from her parents.

Terence did not take the emotional burden. He'd spent the majority of their relationship trying to keep Wendy content, while neglecting his own feelings and desires. He was a chameleon between conformity and reluctance. If he agreed, Wendy felt better but it was a terrible feeling due to the feeling of being lost of himself. In the event that he refused, Wendy felt rejected and became angry. Terence felt like being a victim to Wendy. He blamed Wendy for his plight and believed that he had no choice other than to leave.

I was able to work with Wendy along with Terence. Through our six-step inner bonding method is taught by us, Wendy was able to address her feelings of abandonment on her own instead of chasing Terence as well as her family whenever these feelings arose. Wendy learned that she was self-aware and not selfish when she accepted responsibility for the feelings she had of security satisfaction, worthiness happiness and happiness, instead of taking on Terence the sole source of making her feel secure and worthy. She realized that once she accepted taking responsibility for listening and being accountable for her own feelings she did not feel left out or angry.

Terence discovered that he had a choice that was not compliance or resistance. He took the responsibility for his own emotions and told Wendy his true feelings whenever Wendy yelled at him and blamed him. Instead of becoming a victim, he was taught to take responsibility for his actions and set boundaries for the way Wendy treated him. He was taught to say "I don't like being yelled at. I don't want to be with you when you are yelling at me and blaming me for your feelings. If you can't treat me with caring and respect, then I don't want to talk with you or spend time with you. I don't like being with you when you treat me this way."

At beginning, Terence was reluctant to admit these things to Wendy. He was afraid of hurting Wendy's feelings by speaking his true thoughts. He was of the opinion that his honesty was harsh and that he'd appear insensitive if he spoke these things. But, once he decided to take the risk of telling what he believed to be true, he realized that Wendy was really happy to hear the truth. Instead of being angry or grieving, she was awed by his honesty, and informed him that it was helping her improve and grow by sharing with her the truth.

Terence was able to stay in the relationship and not leave. In the course of one year of personal work and work on their marriage, the relationship totally changed. In reality Wendy and he Wendy have reached a whole new degree of love and intimacy in their relationship, far surpassing the relationship they were in when they first began to fall in love.

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